I have discovered something over my walk with God that has recently re-surfaced in my life. I am a bit of a competitive person. If there is a competition I want to win! I will do everything possible to beat my opponents. While there is nothing wrong with being competitive, I have recently realized that I am a little too competitive. The reason I say this is because I caught myself trying to compete with myself! I realized that I am no longer competing against others but rather against myself. There is a difference between pushing yourself to do better than before but it is a completely different level to compete with yourself. When I realized that I was competing with myself, I knew that I have a problem.
If I am to ever accomplish anything in this life I know that I must push myself to do my very best. If I settle for mediocre effort then I will get mediocre or even bad results from things that I do. I know that I must be the best that I can be, everything that God made me to be! While this may be good enough for God, it has not been good enough for me because I need perfection.
I realized I had a problem when I wasn't just pushing myself to do my best, but rather pushing myself to beat my previous accomplishments. I had decided that doing my best wasn't good enough if I didn't do better than before. I must confess that this is a problem I have had my entire life because I am a perfectionist. If the product I put together is good but not perfect, I find that I regret and beat myself up for the errors I made. This is why I compete with myself, if I think in my mind that I put out a perfect product one time then I must put out an even more perfect product the next time. Can you say, "IMPOSSIBLE!!!". When something is perfect you can't out-do it, you can only achieve a product as good. Perhaps the product is not the same exact result because of different aspects, but it can not be better than perfect.
The issue of needing to always produce perfection was brought to the forefront of my mind because I was thinking of a recent blog entry I wrote. The blog entry I wrote got very encouraging feedback from people that read it. Now, most people when they are encouraged feel good and want to repeat whatever it is that got them the praise in the first place. Not me, instead I began to worry that I could never write as well as I did in the prior blog entry. I began to worry that I couldn't out-perform myself and began to get nervous at the thought of writing another blog. I thought to myself what if people didn't like my writing as much as they did before? What would I do if I didn't get all the compliments? I decided that I would be a failure. I knew in my mind that I needed to write even better than before because I had to win the competition and make an even more perfect product. Immediately after I had these thoughts I realized how crazy I must be. What kind of insecurity is living on the inside of me to make me panic in such a way? It was at this moment that I realized I am my own worst enemy.
If you think about it, life can be rather funny. Growing up I was always trying to please my parents, grandparents, teachers, etc. I was always trying to do things good enough for them so they would praise me. Then, when I became an adult I gave my life to Jesus and He began to show me that it didn't matter what other people think because as long as I do my best, that is all that matters. I admit that almost eleven years later I am still struggling with my fear of man, my fear of what people think of me and the things I do. God has helped me to gain much success in this area despite my moments of weakness when I can't stand the thought of people not liking me. However, there is one person that no matter what, I am always worried about what they think. This person, is me. I am the most critical of myself, I don't need anybody else to beat me up because I do a really good job of it myself. It's amazing because while God is willing to accept me as I am, for some reason I am not good enough for myself. I need the perfection, I need to constantly out-perform myself. This unfortunately is very tiring because it is a never-ending cycle of constant competition. Truly, how can one compete with oneself? I have tried for many years and have gotten nowhere.
So, I began to pray. When I realized that I was almost paralyzed with fear to write a new blog because of my previous entry, I knew God had to help me. I was doing enough damage to myself, only God could bring me back to the place where He can use me once again. My prayer everyday is that God be able to use me however He needs. The problem is that when I won't settle for anything less than perfection from myself and beat myself up when I'm not perfect, I make it impossible for God to use me. How can God use somebody in other people's lives to help them when they won't accept the way He made them? Nobody is perfect and not one person on this earth is exempt from making mistakes. This is a hard lesson to learn for me, but I know that unless I begin to accept my imperfections that I am doomed to live a life of insecurity. God didn't make us perfect on purpose. The only time we can act in a perfect manner is when He is using us, which is how He planned it all along. He wants for people to know when He is moving and the sign to know He is moving is when things are going perfectly.
When I prayed, God showed me a picture of the story about the woman with the issue of blood (Mark 5:25-34). He asked me if I wanted to be healed of the emotional scars like she was healed of her issue with blood. When I was visualizing the story I saw how easy it was when she touched the hem of Jesus' garment. All she had to do was reach out to Him in faith and she was healed. God was telling me that all I had to do was ask and believe that He would heal me of my insecurities and it would be done! God is so amazing!! We as people need to have steps, 3 steps, 5 steps, 2,221,009 steps that we must follow before we feel that someone can achieve victory over an issue. I thank God that He is not like us in this manner; that He only requires us to ask and believe in His love for us, and it will be done.
Naturally, it didn't take me long to repent of my ways and ask God to heal me. And now, I am free in my mind to continue in my writing. God has freed me from my own criticisms of myself so that I am no longer concerned with being perfect but rather simply doing my best. That being said, I hope that you like this entry, but if you don't then that's okay because as much as I wrote it for you, I didn't. See, I know that God wants me to write and so when I do, I am writing for Him. I did the best I could in this entry and that is the most I can do and it is all He wants from me. I am writing because I know that it pleases Him, and that is all that matters to me. So, I have now defeated my worst enemy and am walking in victory through Christ!!
I am so excited about this victory, that I felt I must share it with you. I hope that if you struggle like I do with perfection insecurities that it encourages you to look outside of yourself and your own expectations and realize what really matters. I hope that you too will look into the eyes of God and see that He loves you just the way you are.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Safe Space
Have you ever gone somewhere and had someone tell you not to feel intimidated because "this is a safe space". This has been something that has helped me in the past to feel more at ease in a group setting, but it doesn't always work because of my insecurity. This is unfortunate because only when I'm in a safe space do I feel able to share a piece of myself with others.
Recently I was at someone's house with a small group of people. We all meet because we have a common interest of writing and want to encourage each other. As part of the meeting we share something that we have written. I am currently writing a book, something that I have never tried before, so naturally I was a bit nervous because I didn't know how good it was. I was so worried about what the people in the group would think about it that I began to get very nervous and the palms of my hands began to sweat. What would they say? Sure, they may be encouraging to my face about my writing but what would they really be thinking on the inside? I became so fearful of what they thought that when it was my turn to read I started by apologizing because it was still in the rough draft stage and wasn't finished. I didn't feel safe. I went on and on about how sorry I was for the writing I was presenting. Finally, I read it and everybody seemed to like it but I still had my doubts and felt like such a failure. Despite what may have been said at the group I just knew that nobody liked it and they didn't like me.
The next day after the meeting I couldn't stop thinking about what a failure I was and how much everybody in that group must not like me because I am so pathetic. The entire day I continued to think in this manner and then I began to think about how this person and that person in my life, not at all related to the group, don't like me either. I began to sink deeper and deeper into depression because I felt so alone and there was nobody that could help me. My husband absolutely hates it when I get into one of these funks but doesn't know how to help me get back to "normal". The truth is that there is nothing my husband can do to help, it is between me and God, and only God can help pull me back up out of the depression.
Later that night God began to speak to me about my situation. He showed me that the enemy had been filling my mind with lies for several days in order to make me feel inferior so I would go into depression. The passage from the book I am writing is about part of my walk with God and the enemy didn't want me to share it. The reason he tried to prevent my sharing it was because he wants Christians to be separated and to not share their personal experiences. As we share our experiences with one another we can learn from each other and grow closer to God and the enemy will do everything possible to stop this! So, when I read my writing it was presented by a person feeling inferior to everybody instead of someone who has overcome many things thanks to God. Thereby making it ineffective.
After God showed me what had happened he immediately convicted me. God showed me that when I apologized for my writing that I wasn't apologizing for myself but rather for Him. See, I began writing this book because I felt that He wanted me to do it, and I have been led by the Holy Spirit for every aspect of the book. So, when I apologized to the group for my writing, I was apologizing for the thoughts and lessons that He has put in my heart through my experiences. I was apologizing for the message God is trying to speak through me. I repented for my actions as soon as I realized what I had done and God was faithful to tell me the title and general subject of the book I'll write after I finish this current book. The reason why this was important was that for several days before this prayer time with God I had been wondering if I could even write a second book. I couldn't imagine what the subject matter would be for any more books. But when God told me what the next book would be it was His way of encouraging me to continue on in my writing.
God has given each of us a message to share with other believers and non-believers. He has given us all incredible gifts in order to speak to His people so they can be comforted, loved, and brought closer to the heart of God. Naturally, the enemy doesn't want us to use our gifts because he wants everybody to become distant to God and the hope is to have all people completely turn away from Him. So the enemy attacks our minds to make us feel inferior so we won't share what God has put on our heart; this is what happened to me. True, I did actually share my writing but I did it in a manner that virtually ensured nobody would be take it seriously thereby preventing them from absorbing the meaning of what was being said.
It is our job to know who we are in Christ and not apologize for it! God made you and me in His image (Gen. 1:26), and He is perfect, so why don't we think we're perfect? Yes, we are not actually perfect because we are constantly sinning and making missteps, but when He is working through us we are perfect. When He is using us to speak to His people we must know that we are safe to do what He has instructed because He has already made the way. It is important to know that a safe space is not created by people but rather you can only feel safe when you are confident in who you are in Christ!
We, as the church, need to start believing that God loves us and made us the way we are on purpose in order to advance His kingdom. The only thing we need to do is stand up and be who God made us to be. When we succeed in being who God made us to be, then and only then will we feel like we are in a safe space.
Recently I was at someone's house with a small group of people. We all meet because we have a common interest of writing and want to encourage each other. As part of the meeting we share something that we have written. I am currently writing a book, something that I have never tried before, so naturally I was a bit nervous because I didn't know how good it was. I was so worried about what the people in the group would think about it that I began to get very nervous and the palms of my hands began to sweat. What would they say? Sure, they may be encouraging to my face about my writing but what would they really be thinking on the inside? I became so fearful of what they thought that when it was my turn to read I started by apologizing because it was still in the rough draft stage and wasn't finished. I didn't feel safe. I went on and on about how sorry I was for the writing I was presenting. Finally, I read it and everybody seemed to like it but I still had my doubts and felt like such a failure. Despite what may have been said at the group I just knew that nobody liked it and they didn't like me.
The next day after the meeting I couldn't stop thinking about what a failure I was and how much everybody in that group must not like me because I am so pathetic. The entire day I continued to think in this manner and then I began to think about how this person and that person in my life, not at all related to the group, don't like me either. I began to sink deeper and deeper into depression because I felt so alone and there was nobody that could help me. My husband absolutely hates it when I get into one of these funks but doesn't know how to help me get back to "normal". The truth is that there is nothing my husband can do to help, it is between me and God, and only God can help pull me back up out of the depression.
Later that night God began to speak to me about my situation. He showed me that the enemy had been filling my mind with lies for several days in order to make me feel inferior so I would go into depression. The passage from the book I am writing is about part of my walk with God and the enemy didn't want me to share it. The reason he tried to prevent my sharing it was because he wants Christians to be separated and to not share their personal experiences. As we share our experiences with one another we can learn from each other and grow closer to God and the enemy will do everything possible to stop this! So, when I read my writing it was presented by a person feeling inferior to everybody instead of someone who has overcome many things thanks to God. Thereby making it ineffective.
After God showed me what had happened he immediately convicted me. God showed me that when I apologized for my writing that I wasn't apologizing for myself but rather for Him. See, I began writing this book because I felt that He wanted me to do it, and I have been led by the Holy Spirit for every aspect of the book. So, when I apologized to the group for my writing, I was apologizing for the thoughts and lessons that He has put in my heart through my experiences. I was apologizing for the message God is trying to speak through me. I repented for my actions as soon as I realized what I had done and God was faithful to tell me the title and general subject of the book I'll write after I finish this current book. The reason why this was important was that for several days before this prayer time with God I had been wondering if I could even write a second book. I couldn't imagine what the subject matter would be for any more books. But when God told me what the next book would be it was His way of encouraging me to continue on in my writing.
God has given each of us a message to share with other believers and non-believers. He has given us all incredible gifts in order to speak to His people so they can be comforted, loved, and brought closer to the heart of God. Naturally, the enemy doesn't want us to use our gifts because he wants everybody to become distant to God and the hope is to have all people completely turn away from Him. So the enemy attacks our minds to make us feel inferior so we won't share what God has put on our heart; this is what happened to me. True, I did actually share my writing but I did it in a manner that virtually ensured nobody would be take it seriously thereby preventing them from absorbing the meaning of what was being said.
It is our job to know who we are in Christ and not apologize for it! God made you and me in His image (Gen. 1:26), and He is perfect, so why don't we think we're perfect? Yes, we are not actually perfect because we are constantly sinning and making missteps, but when He is working through us we are perfect. When He is using us to speak to His people we must know that we are safe to do what He has instructed because He has already made the way. It is important to know that a safe space is not created by people but rather you can only feel safe when you are confident in who you are in Christ!
We, as the church, need to start believing that God loves us and made us the way we are on purpose in order to advance His kingdom. The only thing we need to do is stand up and be who God made us to be. When we succeed in being who God made us to be, then and only then will we feel like we are in a safe space.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Rise and Shine Sleepy Eyes
I heard someone say the other day that people outside of the church think that God is dead. That people don't realize that He is very much alive and moving in the midst of us. While I know that God is not dead, it is evident that people all around me are not convinced.
I began to pray about why people think God is dead and believe it or not, He told me it's not His fault! Can you believe it? The truth is that the fault lies with the church. God wants to show up and move in the midst of His people but the church has been sleeping therefore preventing God from moving. As the church has been sleeping, it has appeared dead and has not shown the power and love of God. We have been going through the motions of living our lives as Christians as if in a daze. Sure, we read our bible and pray but what else are we doing? We are living our lives as if we are sleep walking, when will we wake up?
God is fully able to "show up" and let people know that He's still alive without our help. See, God doesn't actually need us to do anything, but He wants to use us because the purpose of being a Christian is to worship God and show His love to others. God will not move until the church wakes up from their slumber and begins to live in the fullness of God.
So, when will we wake up from our sleep? When will we decide that seeking after God and His purposes is more important than ourselves? It is time for something different, it is time that we put God first! It is very hard for us to do what God wants all the time and not fall asleep, but I believe that we as a church can pull it off! It is time to rise up, take our place, and walk in the power of God!
What do you think? Is it possible or is God only dreaming?
I began to pray about why people think God is dead and believe it or not, He told me it's not His fault! Can you believe it? The truth is that the fault lies with the church. God wants to show up and move in the midst of His people but the church has been sleeping therefore preventing God from moving. As the church has been sleeping, it has appeared dead and has not shown the power and love of God. We have been going through the motions of living our lives as Christians as if in a daze. Sure, we read our bible and pray but what else are we doing? We are living our lives as if we are sleep walking, when will we wake up?
God is fully able to "show up" and let people know that He's still alive without our help. See, God doesn't actually need us to do anything, but He wants to use us because the purpose of being a Christian is to worship God and show His love to others. God will not move until the church wakes up from their slumber and begins to live in the fullness of God.
So, when will we wake up from our sleep? When will we decide that seeking after God and His purposes is more important than ourselves? It is time for something different, it is time that we put God first! It is very hard for us to do what God wants all the time and not fall asleep, but I believe that we as a church can pull it off! It is time to rise up, take our place, and walk in the power of God!
What do you think? Is it possible or is God only dreaming?
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